Studio Sara-Anne

It's been nearly a week since the tragic death of my mom and so many things swarm through my head. Again, I write purely to make sure that I can make sense of some of my thoughts and to let those of you know what is happening. At my mom's lake house, things are very secluded, no cells, no computers...

my mom's service was amazing. It was a beautiful tribute to her life. I can not explain how honored she was and how many wonderful things were said. My mom had a gift of encouragement...sending 30-40 cards a week. She would make some, she would buy old devotionals and cut them up, and she would write long letters in them. At her service, the pastor asked, how many of you have recived a card from Mezzie since the day of her death and hands went up all over the place. One lady who came to the visistaion said, that she went home in between the visitation and the service and in her mailbox was a card from my mom. Another lady told a story about her son who was in the national guard..he called home one day and said "who is Mezzie" and she told him...he said.."I get more cards from her than anyone else"

My mom was intentional...she cared about people. The man who cut her lawn stopped by and with tears in his eyes said, I will really miss her. She made me feel important. I had a cut on my hand that wouldn't go away and she researched a special type of salve and bought it for me and baked me cookies...

I had a wonderful talk with my mom on Friday...in it I talked about Makaley and her art and the fact that she loved to use markers but that sometimes it was difficult to keep the caps on. when we walked into my mom's house on Monday...there admist all her cards were some markers that didn't have caps...She was intentional.

My family did a wonderful job at honoring her. Someday I will post my dad's words...amazing. My sister talked about how Micah at the early age of 1 1/2 didn't know very many words, but becuase of my mom's love for nature new all the herbs in her garden...all the birds that she had collected.

I was so blessed as we drove pass the Eagles Mere Country Club...where they were members...flags flow at half mast.

I am running on empty...I can't seem to sleep as my mind goes over and over that night when I got that dreaded call. My heart physically aches.

I'm scared about doing this all over again in a few weeks at a memorial service in Northern VA...I feel as though the rawness will have worn off and maybe I'll truly be able to grieve.

I'm in such shock, but at times glimpses of reality hit...like when I had to get her belongings out of her car and my son's "flat Micah" project that she was helping with was in there...the reality that Micah will not be able to share about his precious Mimi for his project.

There are times when I want to be angry about the fact that she wasn't wearing her seat belt..but I just can't let myslef go there. Seeing the crash site was devestating.

I'm scared for my grandmother who took a turn for the worse yesterday. Scared that she will loose this fight.

My mom's church was the pure picture of what the body of Christ should be...we (my immediate family) felt such love from them and the support was overwhelming.

I realized how many people love me and my family....I know that in times of death and tragedy people's best colors show, but the support from my soapstone family and our church family was more than I ever could even dream. My friends who I scrapbook with, my friends who I had lost touch with, aquaintances, thank you so much for your support, love and prayers...I can say from the bottom of my heart it is truly what has sustained us.

Jesus was glorified through my mom's death...my dad's sister (who is jewish and hasn't been in touch with our family since my fathers salvation) was at the funeral....my husband preached a wonderful salvific message...my mom was so proud of him and she would haved wanted salvation to be preached.

I left my family today to come back to "life" I hated watching my dad in the driveway as we pulled away. He's been so strong and has been so gracious to us girls...he let us make most of the decisions...never pushing us, helping us through it all, but grieving in his own quiet way. He would say things like "I need to remember to tell mom...." He's realized that he's going to miss his life long compainion...though their relationship was not perfect and had lots of pain, it seemed to all vanish with her death.

So I leave tonight with it's so evedient that even through out all the pain and the heart ache, God has had his perfect hand on it all. Never once have we questioned it...I'm stricken with griefe, but I know my mom is rejoicing and I am rejoicing that I had such an opporutnity to meet some of the people my mom touched and ministered to.

I'm sitting here at my dad's computer with tears streaming down my face. The last 18 hours have been such a blur. I find myself writing just to try to journal some of my feelings.

Last night at about 2:30 am, I recieved a phone call from the Lycomming, PA coreners office, "I'm sorry Mrs. Caudle, your mother was in an accident and passed away..." my heart sunk. Thinking of the fact that I had just talked with her at great length on Friday. She and I talked about many wonderful things and the fact that she was joining her church on Easter morning and she wished I could be there.

My grandmother was with her and was life flighted to an area hospital, with non life threatening issues.

The corener couldn't not get a hold of my dad in Northern VA, even the state police couldn't get a hold of him so I was the one who had to tell my father and my sister of my mom's passing.

I'm in shock, waves of tears come and go. We took my kids at 5:30 this morning to meet my inlaws. I really felt that I was going to have to bear much of the burden in terms of planning and wanted to be able to be there more for them when I told them the news. We will have a funeral in Eagles MEre, where my mom loved. Then later, when my grandmother can attend, we will have a Celebration of life service in NoVa.

Thankfully the kids were excited to see their Nona and Poppy...not one notion about what was happening in their families lives....

I know that my mom is happy today...we get to celebrate Jesus' resurrection, but she get's to sit at his feet. What a glorious Easter for her.

I want to make sure that we honor her the way she would have wanted.

I hurt so much for my grandmother who is now so alone

I hurt for my kids who will miss their Mimi so much...Makaley was actually going to go up there next week to spend the week with her...she had plans of painting rocks and baking cookies and making their own musical instraments.

What a loss for all the people who my mom encouraged on a daily basis. She would send about 30 cards a week to individuals...just to encourage

I miss her deeply...as I was packing...I just cried...I need her..I need her.

Again, realizing she is with her Almighty and rejoicing

I was blessed to call her mother...there were times when our relationship struggled, but more recently, we came to a place of understanding and thankfully I was able to tell her on Friday how much I loved her.

More information on her accident here

Looking forward to Easter

We have spent the last few hours spring cleaning. I've realized that the next house we move into really needs a good attic...we use our two bonus rooms now, like most would use a attic.

got the kids some goodie for their easter baskets. Not going overboard this year...just a few things.

I'm painting tomorrow in worship and I'm so excited because a good friend of mine is going to join us for worship.

I miss being away from family during Easter...

Chris and I had one of the biggest arguments of our marriage yesterday, I really don't like feeling the distance that it caused most of the day. And the worst part about it, is that it was over church. I feel like when you are in ministry that at times, that is what we disagree about the most and cuases the most friction in our marriage. Today is a new day though and we are doing better.

We are done with Basketball, this year wans't that enjoyable for Micah, he felt lousy a lot of the time, was playing with 3rd graders and I think he's realizing that soccer really is his game

I'm going to scrap a bit today...looking forward to getting a couple of projects done.

So in my efforts to take pictures and not worry so much about post processing and just to take pictures and capture my kids...I took the following pictures of Makaley at Micah's last basketball game. I took them in RAW fomat which means that the RAW files are essentially the digital equivalent of negatives. The file has not yet been processed by a bitmap graphics editor into an RGB file such as .jpg or ..tiff. In RAW mode your camera is saving your image in this format including any settings for the image without applying them. You can edit the settings in a program like Photoshop whereas in an RGB file the settings are 'set'. This obviously allows for some creative photo editing of the 'raw' image.

Here are some pictures of Makaley at Micah's last Basketball game. I love the way these capture all her different faces, emotions and such during this game.

Happy Birthday

Yes, I have now been blogging for a year. I've been asked several times about why I blog, what I've learned about myself through blogging, things I won't blog about and such.

I will say my adventures of blogging haven't always been rosey. I've had a few mis-haps and learned that I shouldn't always use the blog as my journal. I do feel that it is my blog and that I have the right to say and post what I want, however, I never want to hurt those that are close to me. So that was one major lesson learned.

I also learned that people who read your blogs are not always friends or have your best interest at heart. I was talking one day to another blogger and she had written about how she didn't like "Crocs" on her blog and apprarently had gotten all this negative feedback from people that she was a "advertiser for the rubber shoes" and that how could she say something like that on her blog. And I too have had times when people have read my blogs for illgain purposes and not becuase they care about me or my family or about what I'm doing with my photography or whatever, so that being said, I try to remember that when writing.

For me, blogging has changed. I started out, becuase I know that lots of the scrapbook industries "celeb's" blog and I thought it would be a way to link my latest work and to get my "name" out there. It's become so much more than that, and I actually hardly ever talk about scrapbooking anymore. It really has been a way for me to communicate on a daily basis with friends and family who are not local and for me to write those things that are on my heart. I don't think by anymeans that I am an elequent writer...you will never find these entries in a book, but it has been fun over the last few days to look back and to have a day to day account of the things going on in my families lives. I absolultey love that.

I have tried to use this blog as an encouragement to those (primarily women) who are trying to do the best that they can to bring up their children, to be good and encouraging wives, to follow their passion, to draw closer to their Lord and Savior. I have been honest about the things that the Lord is teaching me, some people haven't liked that and for whatever reasons, maybe conviction, they have felt it as personal attacks, but my heart is pure and I desire to bring glory and honor to Christ.

Everyone is doing it...yes, blogging..it's become a huge fad. I talk to women at our crops at Archivers and I would say most of them blog...you can find a blog about anything, so the fact that people read mine on a daily basis, when there are millions others they could choose to read, I feel very honored and continue to pray that this will bless you whether it's through things that I'm dealing with my children or struggles in ministry or starting a buisness.

My goals for the next year....

To continue to be honest and open about what the Lord is teaching me daily...

To journal more of our every day conversations...what Micah said, what Makaley said. I will want those in teh years to come.

To take more time with my posts, check spelling and such...I don't really do that, I really treat my blogging as if I were sitting down with a journal and writing. But, I've had a few comments about how I need to use spell check, so I will try to be better at that.

To take and post more every day pictures of my own children. I'm reading "That's Life, finding scrapbook inspiration in the everyday" and it's challenged me to have my camera out for those every day moments. I think that when I didn't have as good of camera I was more ready to have it out and about, now that I have this expensive peice of equipment with all these lens, I'm less likely to do so and so i often feel I miss the moment...I will work on that

that I do less lists...I really did a lot of them this past year and I won't do so many in the year to come

So Happy Birthday!

I hope everyone has a blessed Easter! I'll post more about Easter and such tomorrow.

Thankful for

A great night sleep, you know when you bed is so comfortable.

Spring Break for Micah, looking forward to having him around for a week.

My morning chats with my father, I so enjoy them.

Spring Cleaning (although I always feel like im in this mode)

Date night wiht my hubby tomorrow...so looking forward to it

Scrapbooking with friends...I'll be able to do this Saturday some...then I have the mania at the store

A great church to which I'm really looking forward to celebrating Easter with

A great small group. I love our group. I'm praying that life circumstances won't break us apart anytime soon.

My creative daughter...I'm so amazed at what she does. But I'm thankful that it's something that she and I can share...love it!

My photography, it continues to bless me and hopefully others

Chris, there isn't anyone better out there for me. I am continually amazed at his love for me and how he shows it.

blessings,

Administrative Assistant Needed!

Administrative Assistant: Large North Raleigh Church is seeking a part time administrative assistant. 20 hours per week. Must have great computer skills including Microsoft (word, excel, publisher). Must be a team player. Responsibilities will include, but not limited to: membership records, data entry, answering phones, support of program staff, and maintaining office supplies and equipment. Please send letter of interest, salary requirement and resume to sacaudle@soapstoneumc.org

I thought that I would post this here...maybe some of you who read this, know someone who would be interested.

Not much else going on...I feel like I have a touch of the flu...feeling achy and have the chills. Managed to stay up last night to watch American Idol...okay, in my personal opinion...it was stupid to have them do Beatles songs 2 weeks in a row.

Trying to finish up smocking Makaley's dress for easter...why do I put so much pressure on myself???

I have some exciting things happening...I can't post them now, but hopefully by Monday.

Have a great day

So, lately I’ve been doing a lot of research on worship and post contemporary worship. I would say that is where our church is, we don’t sing Marnantha or Integrity music, we are sing music that is what you would hear if you were to go to a Casting Crowns concert or David Crowder. The challenge in that, is how to get your congregation involved in the worship and to create for them a true environment to enter into His courts with praise and singing.

I have this ongoing debate with my father about relevance and how important it is for worship. He would say that there is nothing like the old hymns…that they are so rich in meaning. I would say there is nothing like a praise chorus that seems to speak the words that I want to cry out the Lord. It’s not that I love the upbeat tempo, the drums and bass…it’s not that I love the staging and the lights, but I love the “life” that is in the service. I love the excitement, the energy. Yes there are times for quietness and for a more reverent worship, and I think the hymns are a part of our legacy, but there is nothing that draws me closer to the Lord than raising my hands and signing out.

Back to the research…I’ve found a couple of churches that just really impress me with what they are doing. Granger Community Church ….AWESOME! Check out this…
The pastor doing a series on “I love the 80’s”

Granger Community Church

Anyway, we’ve had a good week so far. I fell asleep at 8:30 last night…and the awoke at 12:30am and couldn’t get back to sleep. I ended up watching Oprah’s Big Give. Now, I am not a huge fan of Oprah’s theology, but I do love her heart and I love the spirit of the show. It’s such a feel good show and really shows how if you put your mind to it, you can really change people’s lives.

I've been looking at scrapspaces lately...and I just love Heather Precked's studios

I'm getting ready to sell my 12x12 paper organizer so if anyone is interested it looks exactly like the one in this picture

Have a great and blessed day!

Jubilation!

What an amazing weekend. Friday night started out just with a normal mania at Archivers. It was good to see some old (not literally) faces there and to catch up with some of the ladies. I really do enjoy that part of my job and I have met so many wonderful women through it.

Saturday was awesome!!! At church we were creating “God’s Great Big Back Yard” for our younger children’s area. There are times when you can just feel God moving and working in the midst of a project and this was one of those cases. The excitement that showed up at 9:00 to paint and build these props for the area was truly incredible. I was so moved as I watched people that I have never met, pick up paint brushes and hammers and just “do” because they had a passion to see something great happened…and it did. By 10:30 all the backdrops were covered with scenes…a little girl flying a kite, two huge trees that they can walk through, hills, ponds with lily pads and frogs, gardens, fences flower boxes…all these wonderful people worked so hard and diligently and I know in the back of their mind, they really couldn’t see what I saw, but they didn’t question..they just helped.

We finally finished at about 5:30 pm, got everything into the trailer and I just prayed, Lord, please help this all come together tomorrow morning…we want visitors and members to realize how important we feel children at our church. I came home and plopped on the couch, colored for hours with Makaley, watched as Micah built with mosaics and then Chris and I watched a movie and called it a night.

Sunday we got to church for the set up (we worship in a school so every week it’s take down and set up) but we have an amazing crew. Everyone showed up to help hand the drops and put up the props and the whole children’s wing transformed….my only regret is that I didn’t have my camera. But it was awesome. All those people finally saw what I truly believe was God inspired and it came together perfectly. Such a lesson to us…as a church. That our church has such a desire to see things done. There are people who want to serve and who want to see lives transformed and we in leadership need to do whatever we can to help them succeed in their desire to serve.

Personally I feel on a high…I am so blessed to be a part of a church that allows me to use my gifts…there are not many churches out there that can think outside the box. Yes, if you can teach or sing or play the piano they can plug you in, but when you are an artist…it’s hard. But I’m blessed beyond measure. I was talking to one of the ladies there on Saturday saying…You know, I don’t really enjoy painting, but I know God has given me a gift and I need to use it for the kingdom…and what a blessing to be a part of a church that embraces that. So many individuals go years without being able to use what is God given. I know that for Chris, it is one of his passions, Gift based ministry. To find where God has gifted individuals and then to plug them in using those gifts…

Thank you Lord for this weekend…for all that you did. May you be praised and glorified in it all!!!

Blessings Everyone...sorry no pictures today. I have a session this afternoon...I'll have some tomorrow

Calm After the Storm

I feel so much more at peace today...

Yesterday for much of the day my heart was heavy, the tears were always ready to flow, but today I feel that God is in controll and that even though our road may be hard, He promises to be there. I was so blessed by a few e-mails I recieved.

Ms. Nolasweetnola

...you have no idea how thankful I was to read your story and your encouragement... and then this stranger sent me an e-mail with all these resouces and ideas of where to go with Micah.

Micah and I had a great night, I had to purchase a number of supplies for our shabang tomorrow (I'll write more about that later)...so he and I went "shopping" and we made a game out of it. I had made up a scavenger hunt for him and told him when he was through with it all (finding yellow paper) etc...then we would go and get Ritas...Yummy! he decided he wanted gummy bears instead (not so yummy for mommy).

Chris and I watched some Basketball...I tell you, ACC Basketball is nuts around these parts. Until moving here, I hadn't experienced it. I mean, companies shut down for games, Chris is able to show the Carolina game during class, Micah's school is having ACC day when everyone can not wear dress code and dress in their favorite team and they will watch the game on the big screen. It's really crazy!!! But exciting as well.

so tomorrow is the day that I and 25 other people from church will transform our children's area. Barry and I went and got all the supplies...back drops, fencing, paint, artificial flowers and grass...I'm really excited. And thrilled to be a part of a church that is willing to think outside the box and who takes making the kiddo's area inviting and cool. I think it will speak volumes to visitors. I hope to have pictures on Monday.

Okay, that's it for now, have a great weekend everyone.

Here are a couple of pictures from a family session

Heavy Hearted

The scriptures say "why so down cast o my sould, put your hope in God"

I'm trying to keep that at the forefront of my mind right now. I am so burndend by issues surrounding my precious son. We have so many different things to tackle right now with him. All the health issues, the weight loss, the passing out, the vomiting. And then there are all the emotional issues, his competativeness, the hyperfocusing, the hurt...and then the ADHD issues, lack of focus and constant chattering.

I know I am frustrated and I can just imagine how confused and frustrated Micah is. I met with his teacher this morning and just tried to strategize and come up with a "game plan" to help him. I feel like if we could just help him with one area, this would be so much easier for us all. Micah feels discouraged and the only time that he seems to feel well and be well is when he's with me and we are just hanging out.

I have to run some errands today after work and I promised him that he could go with me and that we would then go to Ritas...he was so excited. I try always to spend some quality time with each of my children seperatley each day. But lately I feel that Micah has needed so much more of me. Last night I felt so badly for Makaley, she said "mom, I just want to hug on you" it was so precious. I know that we have an eternal hope and that becuase of that hope our souls (spirits) should rejoice, but I"m finding it very hard to do that. I've been on the verge of tears for the last 3 days and at times just can't hold them back anymore.

Small group was great last night. We are studying Andy Stanley's It Came From Within. It was a real eye opener and we had some great discussion around the thought that "whatever you speak, is a direct reflection of what is in your heart" So that those times when you "fly of the handle" or "lash out" eventhough some would say those are out of character, they really speak to what is in your heart (Jesus says) So we talked about how revelaing that is. That when we say things to other people, even if we do it out of "love" that it speaks volumes of what is in our heart. I was so convicated.

The great news is that my dad told me today that he has loads of frequent flyer miles that will expire long before he can use them and that if Chris and I wanted to use them to go away, then we could have them. So Chris will use them to go and see his brother (which is awesome) and then now, instead of Charleston...we can choose just about anywhere to go, so do you remember that post a couple of days back when I was talking about laying even the small things at the feet of Jesus and realizing that He has all things in His hands, even my little vacation plans??? The Lord just reaffirmed that to me this morning..."Sara-Anne, I am taking care of you...even the little things, they are important to me...just continue to rest in me, to not be anxious and to LET ME BE GOD"

Here's a picture I took of Micah yesterday morning.